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Nile H

Page history last edited by nhand@stgregoryschool.org 13 years, 7 months ago

Nile Hand.ppt

 

 

    

     It had been an uneventful day at school, either that or the events of the school day had been eclipsed by what followed. I remember it was a Wednesday, the 26th of May, the day before I turned fifteen. Being a Wednesday, there were no after school sports in the middle school of St Gregory, and we left around 3:45.

 

 

     My dad drove up to the parking lot, as he always did, a few spaces away from where Johanna, the older of my two younger sisters, and I stood. We walked over and hopped into our ‘97 Toyota Camry. Normally on a Wednesday we would have driven as quickly as possible over to my guitar teacher's house, but a few weeks prior my teacher had decided to move back to England.

 

 

     Both my sister and I must wear braces  , and that day we had to make the short drive over to our orthodontist. His office is conveniently located a block south of St Gregory, at the intersection just south on Craycroft. We stopped at the red light. I was pointlessly looking over my awards and a plastic sword, both of which I had won in art that day. It was the final art class of what had been an amazing year with my fellow eighth grade artists. We had a party, drank sodas, ate chips, and everyone of us got at least one award from Ms. Encila.

 

 

     The light turned green. I, lost in thought, didn’t even notice we had started to move. Then suddenly there was a bang. Our car lurched to the middle of the intersection and filled with smoke. Just as our dad started to yell “both of you! Get out of the car!” I saw that the airbags had gone off.

 

 

     We all exited the car as fast as we could and ran across the street to the Shell gas station on the corner. There was a green car, slightly smaller then ours, sitting at the edge of the intersection. Our dad made sure we were both alright, and then went into the Shell station and started talking to the clerk who was working there. He wanted to know if he had seen the crash. He hadn’t, but he said they should keep a cop stationed on that corner, there are so many accidents.

 

 

     Johanna and I walked over to the orthodontist while our dad talked with different people about what had happened. We were right on time. We went over when Dr. Barney called us and sat in the chairs, too big for anyone. As usual, I lay back in the chair and let my mind . They tightened my brackets, wrote down what they’d do next time, and let us go. I grabbed a piece of sugar-free gum as I walked out.

 

     As we walked back into the intense sunlight we discussed the crash. We crossed the street and walked over to where Ted stood. He had called our uncle John and removed everything from our car. As we waited on the curb for John to come get us, the woman who had hit us walked over. She was extremely old and I had trouble understanding what she said. Something about being sorry.

 

 

     John’s white Jeep drove around the corner as we gathered up our things. We piled everything into the trunk: my dad’s construction tools, all our school things, two little strips of paper, and my sword. As we drove away my dad and uncle talked about the possible out-comes  of calling the old woman’s insurance. I barely listened. After a near death experience like that, or anything that really gets your adrenalin going, you see the world differently. It's like looking down on events unfolding upon a body, only partially your own.

 

 

Epilogue:

It took forever for my dad to come to some kind of understanding with the woman’s car insurance company. Our car was totaled, which means the airbags went off. We never could squeeze enough money out of the insurance company to replace the airbags. They gave us a rental car for five days. Now we drive around in a white ’97 Toyota Camry with a light blue, replacement front and no airbags.



Comments (12)

Natassja said

at 11:28 am on Sep 10, 2010

I like the detail that you put into the story, especially the small things such as the "intense sunlight," and the part about your art class. The small details like the chairs that no one can fit into made the story seem more real, and less like someone was telling something flat. The description of the old woman was funny, but at the same time relatable, because almost everyone thinks of old women as hard of hearing and decrepit. Also, the epilogue was interesting. It gave it more of an ending because I would have liked to have known what happened with the car. Now I do. Oh, and one more thing. The part about your guitar teacher was helpful for the back story of your story. For it to have depth, you need to add things like that, and it was very interesting to have small tidbits like that.

ndeitch said

at 6:55 pm on Sep 20, 2010

I think that you have a great story and its full of small details as natassja put it. I think that the only thing that I would change would be the part about the old lady. Maybe put a little more detail about how she looked. Like more characteristics about her.

Grant Ross said

at 2:25 pm on Sep 21, 2010

Great, pretty much perfect amount of adjectives and description. You knew how each thing looked, but you weren't like Stephenie Meyer with suffocating amounts of adjectives. I liked how you added an epilogue in there, but it's a little to short to put under the heading "Epilogue". I think you should either make that longer or just make it a normal paragraph in your story.

McNerney said

at 3:48 pm on Sep 21, 2010

This is an amazing story, the way you wrote it and described everything made it all the better. It's funny too, I'm glad you didn't die. Great writing!

mkrabbendam said

at 6:06 pm on Sep 21, 2010

i've sorta already read this but its just as good as it was the first time :) i liked all the details you had and all the descriptions, etc. it was really good writing!

Arturo Chavez said

at 7:15 pm on Sep 21, 2010

This story was descriptive and very dramatic. I like that the orthodontist's name was Dr. Barney. It has good voice I can tell you wrote this.

sliewen said

at 7:29 pm on Sep 21, 2010

Wow great wording Nile. There was only one error that I found, and I wasn't looking that hard: "As usual, I lay back in the chair and let my mind ." I think you meant to say wonder? Maybe? Either way very good!

mrosenberg@... said

at 8:18 pm on Sep 21, 2010

nice work nile. I enjoyed reeding your short story due to its captivating tone. nice work!

Jake Rogers said

at 8:43 pm on Sep 21, 2010

Good job Nalllll your story was very dramatic and it kept me wondering what would happen next. Also, thats some sick handwriting on the picture it made me be all like "woohhhh that craziness".

Peter said

at 10:43 pm on Sep 21, 2010

You did a good job of describing the action. I was able to imagine what the situation actually felt like.

garrett said

at 6:43 am on Sep 22, 2010

i really like it, you used good adjectives, good description, i felt like i was there. It was suspenseful and well written. I also liked the hand writing on the front, it looks pretty cool.

Aarmstrong said

at 8:24 am on Sep 22, 2010

Wow! I really liked your story! More so than I thought I would. Your story was so intriguing, I loved how you described the old lady! You did a very good job of describing your story! Your story was SUPER dramatic, and made me wonder what was going to happen next. I swear I didn't even look away from my computer screen when I read this story! It was so amazing!

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